little boy blue

WARNING: this is an annoyingly vague, emotionally dramatic post. enjoy.

i'm lonely tonight. i feel judged by some people who are close to me, and judged about things that are very close to my heart.

i feel like they must not love me because they disagree. they think that i'm wrong. maybe i am, but it isn't really a choice. i am who i am, and i do what i do because i can do nothing else. i read and study and obsess and live accordingly. i think that this kind of disagreement should make me feel more loved, not less. i think that our love for each other is proven by the survival of friendship through disagreement. but i feel betrayed and vulnerable, and i want to withdraw and protect, and to carefully try to regain my aloof status. oh well. either way sounds lonely.

so let's talk about something else.

i've been missing my boy like crazy since olive was born 3 weeks (!) ago. things are different. david spends more time with him, and the time i get to spend with him is shared with olive. things will never be the same (just me and atticus) again. he has seemed so different these past few weeks. my happy, silly boy turned serious and quiet, explosively angry, whiney. and i can't even type that last sentence without getting all runny in the face. ANYWAY. tonight was different. i got a precious few minutes alone with him, and he came back. we talked and laughed and joked about things that we knew would make the other laugh. it was just what this momma needed to be able to start a new monday in the morning.