little boy blue

WARNING: this is an annoyingly vague, emotionally dramatic post. enjoy.

i'm lonely tonight. i feel judged by some people who are close to me, and judged about things that are very close to my heart.

i feel like they must not love me because they disagree. they think that i'm wrong. maybe i am, but it isn't really a choice. i am who i am, and i do what i do because i can do nothing else. i read and study and obsess and live accordingly. i think that this kind of disagreement should make me feel more loved, not less. i think that our love for each other is proven by the survival of friendship through disagreement. but i feel betrayed and vulnerable, and i want to withdraw and protect, and to carefully try to regain my aloof status. oh well. either way sounds lonely.

so let's talk about something else.

i've been missing my boy like crazy since olive was born 3 weeks (!) ago. things are different. david spends more time with him, and the time i get to spend with him is shared with olive. things will never be the same (just me and atticus) again. he has seemed so different these past few weeks. my happy, silly boy turned serious and quiet, explosively angry, whiney. and i can't even type that last sentence without getting all runny in the face. ANYWAY. tonight was different. i got a precious few minutes alone with him, and he came back. we talked and laughed and joked about things that we knew would make the other laugh. it was just what this momma needed to be able to start a new monday in the morning.

weepy.

i guess i'm having one of those postpartum days where i can cry over anything. today, it is mostly the mention - or even just the thought - of all things financial. it turns out that owning your own business has more ups and downs than... falling into a pit of boiling lava. yeah. so maybe it just has downs.

anyway, today i have chosen to let myself dwell on the fact that we probably won't have any more babies, and that i'd really set my heart on sending out cute birth announcements for olive, and that right now, that would be an irresponsible waste of money. i also keep getting all choked up about my boy turning 2 in a couple of weeks, and there will be slim pickins in the presents department.

these are, as you may have guessed, "1st world problems." you may also feel the urge to tell me to suck it up. i don't blame you. i blame postpartum hormones.



*this has been another overwhelmingly positive, upbeat post from the desk of holly patrick*

put some meat on those bones!

i guess you could call me a private person. when i'm in public, i don't care who you are or why you're looking at me, but you will probably get glared at if you don't look away fast enough. after all, is it more rude to glare, or to stare? (i know i'm silly.) when i'm pregnant, i feel especially conspicuous. complete strangers stop me in the store to ask me about when i'm due and my weight gain. now maybe i'm confused, but isn't weight gain a personal topic? maybe they think if they repeat a complement enough times, that a rude question is no longer rude?

i didn't have the easiest pregnancy. i was nauseous through 2/3 of it and couldn't manage to gain any weight until i was 20 weeks along. my blood pressure was normally 100/55 (near fainting all the time). i did a whole lot of sitting on the couch instead of all the fun things i wanted to be doing with my boy. i did a whole lot of worrying over whether my new baby would have the nutrients she needed, whether she'd be underweight and have to spend time in the NICU, whether i'd be healthy and strong enough to have the baby naturally the way i hoped. everything has turned out great; i have a healthy big baby and i got my home birth. my blood pressure is getting back to normal and i'm feeling better and better. tomorrow will be 1 week postpartum, and i don't really look like i ever had a baby. and yes i am happy, lucky, blessed, whatever all those strangers want to tell me i am. i know that almost all women struggle and agonize and cry over post-baby weight, and that i don't have to. but if i could have chosen between looking this way now and having been able to play with my son and spend more quality time with my husband the past 9 months, guess which i would have chosen?

new arrival

my little girl was born today. what a crazy experience to bring a new person into the world! more on that later. she can't sleep unless i'm holding her hand or touching her, and i'm okay with that. i waited for her for a long time. also there is the obvious fact that she never has slept without touching me. wouldn't it be crazy to get used to sleeping alone after spending your whole life sleeping inside someone?

poor atticus might be in for a rough time. at first i thought he'd be okay. he's been okay with us holding other babies for a few months now. when my mother-in-law brought him home at noon today, david went outside to meet him and hold him. then he brought him into our room where olive was laying on the bed next to me. i made a point to be excited just to see him - not only for him to see the new baby. he patted my tummy and said "mommy's tummy? baby?" he remembered all our talks about it! he was happy to see her and gave her a kiss. but later in the day, he saw her nursing and got angry. since then he's been saying "all done, baby" and "put down? hold you?" he's had a long couple of days and missed out on 4 hours of sleep last night, so hopefully tomorrow will be better.

anyway. i can't believe it's over. and that i went through that today. and that maybe i'll never be pregnant again, never have a new baby again. and that our lives changed so much today. so relieved and happy.