kiddos

some firsts today:

atticus changed olive's baby doll's diaper, complete with wipes. he also poked olive in the eye, but then made her smile. she's really starting to watch him a lot and be interested in what he's doing and holding. (in fact, i pointed out to him that she was interested in what he was holding, which in turn led to the poking of the eye incident. which i hope was an accident. because my kids love each other. and will never ever ever hurt each other on purpose. right?!) i mean, look at them. 

my girl started smiling a little later than atticus did, but now she doesn't ever stop. she loves to be talked to (and talking back!) and she started making little laughing noises today.

i love having a girl. i'm excited to be able to relate to her a little differently than my boy. i mean, i love to watch him play, but i don't personally love guns, superman, or throwing the ball for the dogs (and he does it for hours!). i do, however, love pretty things and shopping and dancing and baking and reading. and i wonder what she'll love. before i had kids, i was always afraid that i wouldn't end up really liking them. i knew i'd love them, but i thought that they might be weird (i'm a pessimist, as you know). or gross. or boring. or something. anyway, i'm very happy to report that i think they're pretty much the coolest people i've ever met.

image

the amazing becky kyle (http://www.good-photo.org) took some pretty great photos of my newborn olive. we were all looking at the pictures tonight, and atticus saw this one:

"mommy!" he said. it's weird to me to be recognized as mommy. i don't particularly like having my picture taken (even though becky is the master at un-awkwarding me); looking at them is the perfect opportunity to be critical of myself. atticus reminded me that my kids don't see what i see when i look at myself. he doesn't see too many freckles or crooked teeth, he sees mommy. olive doesn't see bad hair days or when i'm wearing no makeup. to her, i'm nourishment, care, company and entertainment. her tummy hurts tonight. as i stand and rock her and pace and watch her face, i wonder if she'll be a mommy someday. i hope so. i want her to love someone like i love her.

on an unrelated note, i had an epiphany tonight: daddies are not like mommies. dude. whoa.

david was trying to get atticus ready for bed, and was maybe a little less coaxing and patient than i would have been, although not unkind. it still had to be a conscious decision for me to not interfere. i want to always make things easy and happy for my children, and i'm glad to have someone who is different from me helping raise them. life is not always easy or happy, and that's probably a good lesson to learn from a father. i do want atticus to learn to be strong. a wise woman once told me that husbands and fathers don't get to stay "down" for very long; they have to keep living life and working for their families no matter what. even when they're sad. another (also wise) woman once said never to interfere when your husband is teaching your boy to be a man. i hope that i can follow her advice, but still discuss my own thoughts and opinions with david at appropriate times.

so here's some favorites.

pictures, i mean.

muscles.

atticus was due for a nap about an hour ago. obviously.

i love baby hands.

i also love her swirly hair.

the end.

whine, whine, whine.

I guess we're going through a hard time right now. it's helpful for me to recognize and admit this because it means that this is a phase, and phases don't last forever. this isn't just how life is going to be now, and that's hopeful.

the business has been, shall we say, struggling. we lost our only big client a few months ago and have been through lots of events since then that have led to having nowhere near enough income, either for the business or personally. late bills all around. and discouragement. and anxiety. and we're only driving one car to avoid getting more tickets on expired registration on the other car. so i stay home. alllllways at home.

atticus got sick a couple of weeks ago, and even though i tried so hard to keep olive well, she's had a stuffy nose for a week and a half. having a 2 year old and a newborn isn't exactly a walk in the park, but when they're sick, it's mommy-break-down-time. add to that the fact that atticus has rarely slept through the night since the arrival of olive disrupted his life, and the fact that david always takes care of his night wakings (thank you!) and always falls asleep doing so (shoot), and it means that i take care of nasal spray, nose suction, nursing, diaper changing, diaper blowout, fit from said nose suction, etc. every night alone.

so many people have offered to help us through this time, and i'm extremely grateful because it means i don't feel so alone. but there is not much anyone else can really do. babysitting atticus seems to disrupt him more, whether it's just more insecurity, a missed nap, catching a cold, or not being able to eat while he's somewhere new.

oh, and our washing machine broke (but our friends lent us one!). and all of the light switches in our house are calling it quits, one by one. and atticus's birthday is on thursday. and our children are wearing highwaters. someday, we'll look back at all this and laugh... i think...